Hot?

Yes, it is. It is extremely hot. I just went outside to sunbath and verily had to come back in because it is so hot. The only way one is able to cope with this heat is with cold coke and beer. They provide sweet respite so that it is again possible to brave the outdoors. Salty crisps also help, as does the knowledge that I am on holiday and have very little to achieve today. But we must be brave if we are to get a tan. So we soldier on.

It is a sleepy afternoon that we are having today. This is justified as we got up at 03:40 to head to Kruger. When we got to the gate at 04:45 we were told that it was unlikely that we were actually going to be going on our walk because we are not staying inside Kruger. We sat and contemplated how crap it would be to turn around and head home. But then lights appeared and we knew we were on and that the security gate dudes did not know what they were on about (despite quite a measure of certainty, which may well be a South Africa thing).

We joined a group of two guides and 5 others for a walk in the bush. It is at this point that I remembered the text message that my friend Calum sent me days before our departure for SA: “I have just looked up your hospital on Google Maps. You are going to be eaten by a lion.” So we walked in the dim light away from the big pick-up and into the wilderness. Our two be-rifled guides were out front (“99% of trouble comes from the front”, apparently). I was at the back trembling like a small, malnourished girl in the cold (it was not cold).

Actually, before we got away from the motor the guide pointed out a hyena. Right there in front of us, casually walking quite near the dirt track. It was beautiful, with big old ears and a slope from head down to bum. You don’t see much on walking tours because over thousands of years animals have learnt that humans means bangbang (or twangthwack) you are dead. You see more from a car because they have only had 100 years to learn to fear them. So a good start indeed. There followed another hyena, some wee spiders, several impalas (if I see one more impala I swear that I am just going to come straight home), lots of cool birds (don’t know why, but they just don’t do it for me) and the odd zebra. We foraged around in elephant poo, but we could not find the pooer. I really wanted to see a rhino but no joy there either. We stopped on a rocky outcrop for biscuits and juice, which had a magnificent effect on my blood sugar level and, hence, spirits. The view was just like one from Jurassic Park, but there were no dinosaurs. Big David the American – sincere, slow talking – kept spotting things far off: “I think that’s a lion under that tree...”. No David, that is another impala. It has horns and is impala shaped and is not a lion.
So we got back to the vehicle and headed off through 6 million impalas, back to the lodge to drop off half of the party. David and Kim and I shopped for tat before getting back into the motor to go back to the gate.

THEN WE SAW A LION IN A TREE.

The guide slammed on the brakes stammering something about a leopard.

Guide – “I have never seen a lion in a tree in 3 years of guiding. Leopards are in trees, but not lions”

Lady in car – “I come to this park every day for 4 years and I have never seen a lion in a tree”

Me – “It’s a lion in a tree”

Sat there with back legs dangling either side of a substantial limb, left, front leg dangling and head slouched on bent right paw, she was amazing. Occasionally she lifted her big bonce to look about, before resting it back down. It was getting hot, by now. We sat transfixed for a good while, abusing the good David’s binoculars to look into her big lioness eyes.

She then jumped down from the tree and ate Kim, so I hope that Calum thinks that he is really clever, because I don’t.