The Greatest Feeling on Earth, or Welcome to the Jungle

I know what you are thinking. However, although helping the sick and needy does rank up there, today I will tell you of something utterly spectacular. What you must do is the following. The details are specific and important and guaranteed to yield the highest positive sensation possible.

First you must undertake the 1hr 40 min drive from Zithulele to Mthatha several times in a week on a bumpy, dusty road in a wee Nissan Tiida. Next, remember to forget to buy beer every single time you go (this is easy to remember because they don’t sell beer in South African supermarkets. Sleep deprivation is important so get up at 5am as many times as you can and do not nap in the day. To do this it is often helpful to have a nice young chap to drive to Mthatha airport for an 8am flight.

The feeling is not yet very good, but you must do all of this anyway.

For the last drive of your set, you must be in a 1998 turbo diesel Toyota Land Cruiser Prado. With leather seats. This car must be extremely comfortable and awesome. It must have a good stereo, but you must not know how good the stereo is until the last minute.

You will need to have spent some time hanging around Mthatha’s shops, before buying some music on a whim. Do not leave the music shop without the album ‘Appetite for Destruction’ by Guns n Roses, or you will fail miserably after a lot of hard work.

Remember to remember to buy beer.

Buy beer. A lot of it.

Get diesel and congratulate yourself on remembering to do so.

Pull out of Mthatha towards your new home in Zithulele. The windows should be down and the sun shining.

This is where timing is important, because you need to be in the rolling hills between the N2 highway and Mqanduli (but not in Mqanduli, because there would be people everywhere and your moment would be ruined by embarrassment and sheepishness, as well as guilt).

Insert the Appetite for Destruction CD into the Prado’s stereo.

The last thing you must do is crank the volume up high.

If you have followed my instructions to the letter you will experience the most heightened sense of magnificence that a human being can.